Psalms and Seizures

I'm not the first pastor to have a crisis, and I'm not the first Christian to struggle with praying. Hey, I'm not the first pastor to struggle with praying whilst in a crisis!.

Perhaps, like me, you've read the biographies when the prayer warrior drops to the floor to pray every time he enters a room (really? I'm looking at you John 'Praying' Hyde) or can't go to sleep until he's led someone to the Lord. And then at 4am he's up again, not eating breakfast but praying. Again.

I've probably spent a lot of my time in utter condemnation over this. You never get the biography which says "slept soundly through my quiet time again. Well, it was so quiet and warm."

So that's the background to my hopeless life of prayer. I've often thought how great it would be to kneel in prayer with some of the saints of old. If anyone imagines my life of prayer, it involves a lot of drifting in and out of sleep.

Recently things changed. No, I'm still not a Praying Hyde, but a few years back I hit another trial, we’ve had a few. It was Church based, family based, the sort when you find yourself praying in the early hours because sleep has gone and naturally it was the Psalms that came to my aid. I had remembered Psalm 3 (thanks Ian White) and my prayers would end up there every morning for months.

Then right in the middle of that period I developed epilepsy which was fun! Finally, my medication was sorted, and the seizures seem to have stopped for now. But the seizures made it harder to concentrate and the medication made me more sleepy! And as a result my dismal prayer life was even harder.

Some years back I remember Don Carson saying something which really struck home. When you are younger, the Psalms often don't make sense, then as the years go by you hit a trial and they begin to make sense! This has been me for some time. As the years have gone by these hymns, prayers and laments have become so precious to me.

So I had a cunning plan! Why not use them to pray? At this point angels everywhere face palmed (just as they did when I thought-hey! we could sing these prayers). And it has been a tremendous blessing. I have been reading through them every month for a few years now, that's five a day. That in itself has been such a joy! But what I have done to help me is I have started writing or scribbling my prayers with the Psalms as my template.

The writing helps me focus, it isn't word for word, sometimes it's just a letter but it helps me focus and keeps me awake. But more importantly I let the rhythm of the Psalter shape my prayer life. So whilst I might want to wail and groan everyday, I’m with the Israelites when it comes to grumbling, the Psalms stop me as well as encourage me. 

So on the first of the month I will be challenged by that perfect blessed man in Psalm 1, before I get to cry out in Psalm 31. Later in the day is another lament Psalm 61(I sing the words set to My heart is filled with thanksgiving). Psalm 91 needs no introduction nor does the last one of the day, Psalm 121. 

Now, day one has plenty of places to take my anguish, but on other days I might be feeling dreadful but the order won't let me. Day 2 for example is a delightful selection 2, 32,62, 92, and 122. 

Psalm 76 will take my focus of myself onto the greatness of God went I might want to be shouting ‘how long? Will you forget me forever?’ Or Psalm 104 is a delight to pray and focus on God.

I’m not convinced I’ve got it completely right in how I pray the Psalms, and I don’t pray through all five everyday and of course I still have a few of the regular things I pray for. I’m still learning but these are Jesus’ prayers and they are His songs and are keeping me going during this season